The Woes of Padfoot
by Mango Schmango
Summary: Chapter 3 is up! An insight into the mind of Sirius Black during OOTP. Experience his personal demons and torment and the depth of his brotherhood with James Potter.Please read and review!
1. Failure and Atonement

**The Woes of Padfoot**

**Chapter One: Failure and Atonement**

**Disclaimer: **Everything in the Harry Potter world belongs to JK Rowling

"_No, I just think he's been very lonely for a long time', said Hermione simply. _

The Order of the Phoenix, page 145.

Sirius would have laughed if he had the energy as he stared at himself in the cracked mirror of Grimmauld Place. His hair was long, lank and greasy; a far cry from the well-groomed and stylish hair of his Hogwarts days. His once handsome aristocratic face was now gaunt, hard and almost sallow. The grey eyes that had once been mercurial, bright and mischievous were now leaden, brooding and pensive.

He looked at himself with barely disguised self-loathing and thought that this was a just punishment for not being able to save—to save…Sirius banged his fist against the wall, shaking the plaster of the old master bedroom and trembling badly himself.

After all these years, he could still not forgive himself for what at Halloween when the two people he cared for the most in the world, the two people who were like a brother and sister to him, were _murdered _because he had been too thick-headed to see that the traitor was not _Moony_ but Wormtail of all people!—weak, pathetic, snivelling Wormtail! By Merlin, if Harry hadn't spared Wormtail's life, Sirius would have killed Wormtail with his bare hands and watched him squeal, twitch and suffer in just retribution for all that he had done.

Grimmauld Place was silent. Harry and his friends were back at Hogwarts; Molly, Arthur and Moony on Order business and even bloody Kreacher was lurking off somewhere in the wide outside world while Sirius was stuck in a mouldy, dark house with only painful memories as company.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists tightly, attempting to block out the images of that devastating night when Prongs and Lily died that plagued him still like great stabs in his gut, reminding him of his great failure. Those were the memories that replayed over and over in his head in that dank and soulless cell in Azkaban like one of those Muggle horror films that Lily had once made him watch. _Prongs, Lils…I am so sorry…_Sirius struggled for a few minutes but then gave in and allowed those awful pictures to envelope him for what else did he have now but memories? If this was the only way to connect to Prongs, then so be it…

_He arrived at the smoking heap of Godric's Hollow and felt his stomach heave violently as he saw the Dark Mark hanging ominously above. He heard sirens piercing the night sky and knew that within a few moments, the house would be swarming with Muggles._

_He threw his motorcycle down carelessly and sprinted to the almost destroyed house, his brain screaming: PRONGS! LILY! HARRY! PRONGS! Sirius could not think straight, his nostrils filled with smoke, his eyes watery from smoke. All he wanted to see was that the Potters were alive. Surely he was only being neurotic, he repeated to himself. Wormtail is merely out on a brief holiday… Moony is the traitor…_

_He glanced around the charred living room, his mind racing, his heart thudding erratically. Where was Prongs? The far off sirens were disrupting his chain of thought. His chunky motorcycle boots crunched on glass. "Prongs!" he called out hoarsely. "Lily? Harry? It's Padfoot here!"_

_Sirius shakily got out his wand and whispered 'Lumos'. His mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. Every sound and thought faded into the background as his gaze fixed on a lifeless figure by the remains of an overturned couch with familiar messy black hair. _

_Sirius' throat closed up and his head thudded erratically as he ran over to his best friend and scooped him up into his arms, cradling his head carefully. "Prongs?" he whispered desperately. "This is not funny. Please wake-up! I'm here now. Everything is fine!" But Prongs did not move. He merely stared back at Sirius with blank eyes that were frozen in a state of shock. _

_Hot tears burst from Sirius' eyes. Why wasn't Prongs moving? Sirius took in Prongs' dusty body that was flickered with dirt and water, rage filling him. How dare some one leave his best friend sprawled out in the mud like trash? He expected Prongs to suddenly sit up with that charming grin, his eyes sparkling with mischief and say: "Miss me, did you, Padfoot?" His eyes…Sirius' gaze moved to Prongs' eyes. Where were his glasses?_

_Sirius' breathing became ragged and he felt as if he were about to burst. "His glasses," stumbled Sirius, "his glasses…he can't see without them…I'll find your glasses for you, Prongs…who took your glasses? You can't see…you can't see…you can't see…"_

_Then something clicked in Sirius' mind. Prong was dead. That final, irrevocable word. Dead. Prongs wouldn't be slipping on those glasses any more and grinning. There would be no more nights around at Prongs' house, joking with Lily, holding little Harry, fighting Death Eaters side by side. He was no longer able to reminisce about Hogwarts with Prongs, teasing and laughing with him…_

_The sheer magnitude of that realisation sent Sirius over the edge. He howled and hollered to the sky, sobbing unashamedly over the body of his brother, best friend and bulwark as if he could sound to the world that Prongs had fallen. His tears dropped over Prongs' face, cleansing it of dirt. Sirius' rocked back and forth with Prongs' body in his arms, weeping still. _

_He had failed Prongs._

Sirius was crying himself by the time that fickle, teasing and cruel Memory had released him from her torturous stranglehold. He wiped his dirty face with his grubby sleeves and sank to the floor exhausted, wrapping himself up into a little ball. His breath was laboured and he repeated under his breath: "This is my penance, this is my penance…"

He deserved to be reminded of his gross failure everyday of his life. It was at his urging that Prongs and Lily had decided to take on that stinking rat as their Secret Keeper. If wasn't for him, then they would still be alive. He could still picture the lifeless corpse of Prongs, the flaming red hair of Lils that poked out from under a heap of heavy wood that had once been the stairs…Sirius choked on his tears, feeling as if he was slowly being driven mad but this is was his atonement, his way of redeeming himself for failing his best friend who had never failed him, who had always been there for him. And how did Sirius repay him? Get him and Lils bloody killed.

He punched a fist into the wall again, letting out a strangled sob. He was just so lonely. He missed Prongs so intensely that often he liked to pretend that dear Harry, the boy who Sirius looked over like a son, was Prongs, for they looked so alike. Then Sirius would shake himself and feel guilty for doing such a thing. No one could ever replace Prongs and it was not fair to Harry but at the same time, it made Sirius feel happy for a brief moment to pretend that his best friend was alive and well and the events of Halloween were a bad dream.

Of course there was Moony, but Sirius rarely saw him and when they were together, it was so different to their times at Hogwarts. Moony defended Snape, much to Sirius' annoyance and told Sirius not to be childish and rise to Snape's obvious baiting. Moony didn't even call Snape,_ Snivellus_ anymore, for Merlin's sakes! Moony was always so grave, tired and irritatingly _logical_. He had told Sirius countless times in a weary voice that it was time to put childish rivalries aside and focus on the real problem at hand: Voldemort.

It galled Sirius that no one listened to him about how slimy Snivellus was and that he was not reformed, despite the reassurances of Dumbledore. Sometimes Sirius felt like hexing Snivellus with a devastatingly destructive curse—perhaps even kill him—when he would smirk at him and say in that silky voice that it was his entire fault that his precious sidekick Potter and his wife were dead. Snivellus, of course, would say it into his ear in a room full of people because he knew that Sirius wouldn't dare touch him while there was a full audience around them.

Moony and Sirius could not even talk about Hogwarts and the Marauders without bitterness, pain or anguish. It seemed that everything from Halloween onwards had tainted their time there and Sirius could still not open up to Moony about the full horrors of Azkaban. He had allowed Moony a glimpse of the darkness he had endured but did not elaborate any further. Instead, he would fall mute and brood for a full couple of days and leave Moony looking after him with a tired and worried face. Also, Sirius never mentioned to a living soul what he saw at Godric's Hollow. He did not see how anyone would be able to understand what he went through despite Moony's probing and promises of support to share the burden.

Sirius refused to mention Wormtail's name in any conversation and if his name did come up, he would spit on the ground and curse and withdraw into a sullen impenetrable shell, so after countless attempts by Moony to get him to accept the fact that Wormtail was a human, Moony gave up and came to a silent understanding that Wormtail was never to be included in any conversation unless Sirius brought him up first.

The subject of Prongs was an even more delicate matter. Sirius could talk about him animatedly sometimes but then on most other occasions, Sirius' eyes would become hollow and his lips would narrow and he would shut himself up with Buckbeak for a long period of time, allowing no one to coax him out of his room. Not even Moony could understand or begin to comprehend the gravity of the guilt that Sirius bore. He had pointed out to Sirius on numerous occasions until he would limp from exhaustion that neither Prongs or Lily blamed him but Sirius obstinately refused to listen to reason and insisted that his self-inflicted mental torture was a just punishment for having failed Prongs when he needed him the most.

Sirius lay flat on his back, his arms out wide as if he were on some sort of cross and stared up at the cracked ceiling that matched his own emotional state. He wished so much at that point that Prongs would waltz into the room with his wand tucked into his back pocket (ignoring Moody's constant shouts that his buttocks would get blown off if he left his wand in his back pocket), ruffling his hair and grinning, urging Sirius to get off his arse.

Sirius could picture him so well that it was both simultaneously pleasing and torturous. Time had not dulled the void that Prongs left in his life. It only brought it home to Sirius that his best friend was not alive and he could not believe that he had to live this half-life without him in it. Indeed, could one even call this living? Cooped up in a haunted house with Kreacher and the shrieks of his dastardly mum's portrait for company, barred from the outside world and still thought as a criminal by the majority of the Wizarding population and denied the right to gain guardianship of his beloved godson—could this be called living at all?

This miserable existence was a far cry from the one he and Prongs had envisaged at the end of seventh year as they had stood together on the Quidditch pitch, the wind blowing their robes and hair like they were two immortal gods. They had thought in their naivety and supreme confidence to be famous aurors, ridding the world of prejudice, violence and corruption. They had imagined to reach the age of Dumbledore, revered by the wizarding world for their feats of courage and teach a new generation of mischief makers.

But Fate, that capricious mistress, had been brutal and ripped away from Sirius the two people in the world he could least afford to lose.

The dull echoes of the empty house only served to make Sirius long to go back to that time by the Quidditch pitch when he and Prongs seemed to have the world at their feet.

**End of Chapter One—Please review and tell me what you think of the characters' portrayals or the story in general!**

**Thanks! **


	2. Hollow Man

**Chapter Two**

**Hollow Man**

**Disclaimer: **Everything in the Harry Potter world belongs to JK Rowling

Remus warily trod to the dirty door that led into Sirius' bedroom. He felt drained and was not sure he felt strong enough to even deal with Sirius' unpredictable mood swings that had become increasingly frequent since Harry's departure back to Hogwarts. Remus did just not know how to manage his friend and wished that Prongs was here to give some advice, for he had been the only one who truly knew the complexities of Sirius Black and how to breach that impenetrable shield that Sirius would pull around himself.

He inwardly sighed as he quietly pushed open the door and saw his friend sprawled out on his back as if he were on some sort of cross, his eyes closed.

"Padfoot?"

Sirius grunted but did not stir his body.

"Padfoot, please get up off the floor. It is filthy."

Sirius laughed hollowly. "I don't think another piece of rot is really going to be noticeable on me, do you?"

Remus did not react and stepped closer to the motionless form of Sirius.

"Been out saving the world, have you?" Sirius asked sardonically.

"If you call going through papers all day as saving the world."

"I can't see why Dumbledore does not let me out to actually fight! As a result, I have to endure the bloody taunts of Snivellus!"

"His name is _Snape_, Padfoot."

"I don't give a damn as to what that snake's name is!"

"Padfoot, Dumbledore is only keeping you hidden here for your own safety, not because he wants to make your life miserable."

Sirius turned tortured eyes to Remus. "Don't you see," he said raggedly, "that my life is a misery here. I would prefer to die fighting against Voldemort, protecting my godchild and all those I care about than decay slowly here in this house with only bloody Kreacher as company."

"Dumbledore is protecting you," Remus said, though his words sounded false to his ears. Was it really the right thing to keep Sirius cooped up in this solitary house full of bad memories?

"I can't even gain guardianship of my godson despite Prongs' implicit desire for me to do so, in case—in case—" Sirius broke off and averted his face from Remus' gaze.

"For good reason, Padfoot," Remus reminded him softly, forcing back pangs of loss at the mention of their long departed friend. "What sort of life would Harry have living with you on the run? Dumbledore would never allow it, let alone Molly and Arthur."

Sirius' shoulders shook and Remus saw that he clenched his fists in his hand. "I am his godfather! _Me_! Not Molly and certainly not _Dumbledore_!"

Remus knelt down in front of Sirius. "No one is disputing that fact."

"Well everyone keeps on insinuating that I am not fit to meet the needs of Harry!" Sirius snapped. "Prongs and Lily certainly didn't think that when they chose me!"

Remus saw that they were treading on very perilous ground now. The topic of Lily and James were always a sensitive topic and he was alarmed to see hot angry tears gather at the corners of Sirius' eyes.

"Padfoot," Remus began calmly, placing what he hoped was a reassuring hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Circumstances were different then as you were not an escaped criminal. Now…well, you can hardly provide the life that Prongs and Lily had imagined you'd give Harry in the eventuality of their demise."

Sirius shook off Remus' arm and stared at him with incredulous eyes. "How can you be so _detached _about their deaths? What kind of word is _demise_, huh? Have you forgotten that my best friend was murdered along with his wife because of a stinking turncoat!"

"_Our_ best friend, Padfoot."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, _our_," repeated Remus. "You weren't the only one who cared about him."

"It certainly doesn't seem like you give a damn the way you speak about them as if they were strangers."

Remus swallowed hard, stilling his trembling hand. "There is not a day that does not go past when I do not think about them. However, I have learned to continue on living because I know that's what Prongs and Lily would have wanted."

"Your case is a little bit different from mine. You didn't get Prongs and Lily _killed_," Sirius choked.

Remus grabbed both of Sirius' shoulders hard, filled with such anger and despair at the state Sirius had been reduced himself to. "When are you going to realise that you are not to blame for their deaths?"

"If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't have chosen—chosen—"

"Stop it. You had no control over Peter's choices and—"

"Do not dare mention that accursed name to me!"

"I will!" Remus said brutally, his patience and self-control breaking. "I have tried and tried to make you see that you are not to blame, that _they_ do not hold you responsible but you refuse to see reason! Prongs would be killing himself at the sight of you!"

"I deserve this," he said almost inaudibly. "I failed Prongs and this is my penance."

"You do not deserve this! Prongs would not want to see you suffer! By Merlin, Padfoot! Prongs cared about you and trusted _you_ above everyone else, and this self-loathing and flagellation would be absolutely devastating him!"

"You know nothing of what I have gone through so do not judge me!" Sirius roared, standing up so violently that Remus fell back.

Remus held up his hands in surrender, fearing for the first time of what Sirius would do. His eyes were wild and he was breathing heavily, making Remus uneasy. "I am not judging you, Padfoot," Remus said gently whilst wondering what he was going to do next.

Sirius' chest heaved and a sort of strangled sob or an indistinguishable cry erupted from his throat as he turned his back on Remus and pressed his hands against the wall to prop himself up.

Remus did not step forward, unsure of whether to make any contact with him for he was not sure how the volatile Sirius would act. He felt so inadequate and useless and for the second time in half an hour, wished that Prongs was here to alleviate the situation. If only Sirius could hear from Prongs' lips himself that Sirius was not to blame for their deaths!

"I hate this so much, Moony," Sirius choked.

"I know you do, Padfoot."

"I feel as if I am slowly going mad like my loathed cousin Bellatrix in this house!" Sirius turned around, fixing Remus with his anguished eyes. "I cannot bear the thought of it!"

"Padfoot, you are not—"

"I am! I can feel it! I am sick of everyone treading around the house like I will curse them and Molly thinking I am too addled in the head to look after my own godson!"

"No one doubts the sincerity and depth of your love for Harry, Padfoot."

"Harry is the last remnant of Prongs and I don't want to lose him. I couldn't bear the thought of failing Prongs twice-over."

"You have not failed Prongs nor are you ever going to."

Sirius did not reply and let out a guttural cry. Remus rushed forward and held his friend tightly as Sirius became like a rag doll in his arms and slid to the floor. Remus did not let go as Sirius' emaciated frame shuddered with sobs that he tried to stifle. Remus could feel his robes becoming damp with Sirius' tears and could no nothing but sit there by him and allow Sirius to finally release all his pent up emotions.

Remus could not believe that Sirius was actually crying. Padfoot had never cried…well at least not to Remus anyway. He might have done so in front of Prongs, especially after he ran away from his parents in sixth year…how could he bring back the old Sirius? The charming, arrogant, bright and mercurial Padfoot who was the darling of the Hogwarts population (excepting the Slytherins of course) and one half of the infamous double act of Black and Potter—where had he gone to? Remus could answer that question: Padfoot had irrevocably walled himself into a prison of self-loathing, guilt and flagellation. His personal demons had ravaged him, sucked him dry leaving him as a mere shade, a hollow man.

If only the Padfoot of old would re-surface…

_"Where do you reckon Padfoot and Prongs have got to?" asked Peter, scanning the clusters of Hogwarts students by the Lake who were taking advantage of the good weather._

_Remus squinted into the sun, trying to pick out their two seventh year friends. "Look out for a golden snitch perhaps?"_

_Peter snorted. "Lily has cured Prongs of that habit!"_

_Remus grinned and continued to weave around the multitudes of fellow students. Finally, he came to the big old oak tree whose leafy greens softly swayed against a light breeze and saw Sirius and James sprawled lazily under the tree. James was leaning against the trunk while Sirius was on his back, effortlessly charming leaves different colours._

_"Oi Moony and Wormtail! You two took your time!" Sirius greeted them._

_"We would have met up with you guys sooner if you hadn't nicked off without telling us and swiping the Map," responded Remus dryly. _

_James smirked. "With your brains Moony, we trusted that you could have found us without the aid of our dear Map, whereas us mere mortals…" he said, gesturing to himself and Sirius, "well we need all the help we can get!"_

_"You a mere mortal?" Remus asked incredulously. "This is a bit odd coming from Head Boy, Quidditch and Transfiguration extraordinaire."_

_Sirius hooted. "You better not make Prongs' head too big again because Lils has only just deflated it!"_

_"Look who was preening and practically drooling over himself after being the centre of attention by a gaggle of fifth year girls" retorted James._

_"Well I just can't help being devastatingly handsome," replied Sirius theatrically. "Enduring Prongs' envious scorn is one of the many costs of being good-looking, I suppose." _

_James threw a twig at Sirius in response, launching a mock-tussle between the two best friends while Remus rolled his eyes at the immaturity and turned to Peter. "Can you believe these two?"_

_Peter merely shook his head with a chuckle while wiping beads of sweat off his forehead with a handkerchief. _

_After a couple of minutes James and Sirius ended their wrestle and sat up as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. _

_"What had you two been up to while we were looking for you both?" Remus inquired._

_"Why do you say 'up to' like Padfoot and I have been doing something against the school rules?" James asked, feigning hurt._

_"Prongs and I were merely enjoying the fruits of nature," joined in Sirius._

_Remus raised an eyebrow, not at all convinced by the too-innocent expressions on his friends' faces. "The day you two go on a nature jaunt purely for observing nature's creations, is the day McGonagall will leave you two in charge of her class for a day."_

_"Those angelic faces of yours fool no one," chimed in Peter._

_Sirius and James exchanged glances, both smirking. "After being so grossly insulted, I do not feel as if these two gentlemen deserve to be informed of our latest expedition. What do you think Mr. Padfoot?"_

_"I thoroughly agree with you, Mr. Prongs."_

_"Stop being such prats!"_

_Sirius widened his eyes dramatically. "I am wounded so by your spiteful words! How can I go on any longer?"_

_"You cut me deep, Moony!" James sighed, his eyes alight with laughter. _

_"You two are too much," said Peter._

_"With the combined talents of Prongs and I, we're too much for anyone!" Sirius said airily, slinging his arm around James. _

_Remus snorted while Peter guffawed. _

_"If you must know," James said, his eyes glinting with mischief, "Padfoot and I have orchestrated an awe-inspiring spectacle for tonight's dinner."_

_"Oh?" _

_"Relax, Moony. Don't get your jocks in a knot. No one is going to suspect us. We made it look like it was someone from Hufflepuff," said Sirius confidently, waving his hand dismissively._

_Remus raised an eyebrow incredulously. "McGonagall will immediately suspect you! You've pulled too many pranks for her not to suspect you!"_

_"You're nuts!" said Peter, his eyes wide. _

_Sirius and James gave identical grins. "We'll have alibis, so don't worry."_

_"Alibis, Prongs?" Remus asked sceptically._

_"Lily will give us one."_

_"Are we talking about the same Lily Evans here?"_

_"Of course," said Sirius, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world._

_"How did you get her to agree with covering for your prank? Blackmail, extortion…"_

_"I promised Lils that I would take her out to the Glass Slipper this Hogsmeade weekend," replied James simply._

_Peter whistled. "That's going to be an expensive bribe."_

_"It's not a bribe—it's a present for her. I have been planning to take her there for a while," said James, reddening slightly._

_"With the spotless record of Lily Evans, Prongs and I have no chance of getting sunk," added Sirius, standing up with James following suit. "Prongs and I must be off now to make some final arrangements for our grand show. See you tonight, gentlemen."_

_James gave them a salute. "Until tonight."_

_Remus laughed in spite of his natural misgivings at such a venture and waved them off with amused exasperation, watching the conspiratorial pair saunter off back to the castle as the sun shone over their heads. _

Remus was shaken out of his reverie by a raspy gasp by Sirius and felt such an overpowering sense of grief at the state his friend was now in, that he longed to go back to the Hogwarts days and be in that bubble of blessed youthful innocence and oblivion and not in this perpetual cycle of grief and death that had sucked Sirius in.

**End of chapter two! Hope you enjoyed it :)**

**Author's Note: Well, I hope it was not too much angst and that the brief interlude of humorous banter between the Marauders lightened the dark tone a bit! Stay tuned for the next chapter…**


	3. Fragments

**Chapter Three**

**Fragments**

**Disclaimer: **Everything in the Harry Potter world belongs to JK Rowling

_

* * *

Super flumina Babylonis…By the waters of Babylon we sat down and wept…_

Padfoot was dead. _Dead_. Remus lay on his bed staring uncomprehendingly at the cracked ceiling. His mind was reeling while his body was bone weary. It had been an emotional twenty-four hours—comforting Harry, answering dozens of questions until his mouth was dry, his tongue thick and his eyes stung, all the while trying to keep himself composed.

He had been so glad when finally he could retire to his soft bed and close the door, plunging himself into darkness. Remus had wept silently in the dark, his mournful sounds muffled by his pillow and his arms wrapped tightly around himself. Oddly, he found that he could not cry for long. It was as if his tear ducts had been worn out long ago—Prongs, Lily….

The Padfoot he had known had died long ago and now…well, Sirius was now dead both literally and metaphorically. To Remus, Sirius had really stopped living once James and Lily had been murdered. When James died, a big part of Sirius died with him.

Remus felt intense grief for Sirius—for the waste of a life that had held so much promise, his soul torn into fragments by his guilt and ultimately destroyed in the grim and impenetrable fortress of Azkaban, coming out a shell of bitterness and revenge.

James had been Sirius's other half, the only person who could balance Sirius's mercurial temperament and bring out the best in him, determined not to let the good in Sirius slide away by the Black curse of bigotry and hate. James had been the only person, aside from Dumbledore occasionally, that Sirius would listen to with any respect. But when James died, it was as if a great tempest, a revengeful and unpredictable element of nature had been unleashed in Sirius that could no longer be tamed or restrained by the unwavering loyalty and companionship of James Potter.

Remus blinked back tears and felt so alone in the dark little bedroom and wished he could see his old friends again—Remus immediately shook himself and castigated himself for being so fanciful, for his dead friends could not rise…they could only come in dreams, come so close, that Remus in his sleep would reach out and touch them, but then the ghostly figures would laugh and fade into some distant sun drenched glade that Remus could not reach.

He sincerely hoped that Sirius was with James now, at peace, and no longer plagued by demons. Remus swore that when Sirius fell behind the Veil, a warm and tranquil light had filled his eyes…did he really see Sirius like that? Or was it simply his beleaguered and grief-stricken mind making up fantastical images to assuage himself? Remus did not know but he preferred to believe the former.

Remus' eyes drooped and he tried to fight it but it was impossible. Little by little, he felt his body slacken and his breathing becoming softer, all thoughts of what he had to do in the following days—seeing Harry, answering more questions, more Order business—fade into hazy fuzz…

_The sun was setting on Godric's Hollow as Remus found himself walking up the familiar pebble path lined with bright flowers that he had trod so many times before. Remus saw that the green door was wide open, almost inviting him to enter. He warily stepped inside, wondering if some gruesome spectacle was awaiting him like what Sirius had seen all those years ago on that fateful Halloween night but his slight trepidation was banished as faint laughter reached Remus' ears. _

_He crossed through the warmly furnished living room that was filled with photos of the past and stopped at the back door that lead out onto the porch where he saw the still figure of Padfoot. Remus' eyes widened in surprise and he almost fell backwards when he realised Sirius had completely changed. His hair was smooth and full again, falling with lazy elegance. His body was no longer emaciated but young and vital. His skin was healthy and his eyes did not have that wild, haunted look that had worried Remus to no end. _

_"Padfoot?" _

_Sirius did not respond and continued to stare out at the back yard with great uncertainty._

_Remus touched his shoulder but he did not even flinch. Remus' brow creased. Why couldn't Sirius see or hear him? Remus followed Sirius's line of gaze and felt his heart clench heavily when he saw the two people he had so longed to see for so long: Prongs and Lily. _

_James and Lily were seemingly oblivious to Sirius and himself on the porch. James was sprawled out on the grass with one hand tucked behind his head while Lily lay on him, tracing lazy circles on her husband's chest. The two of them were engaged in a quiet conversation, Lily smiling softly as James pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. _

_Hot tears pricked at Remus' eyes and he bit his lip in order to compose himself. They looked so peaceful…he tore his eyes from the couple and back to Sirius who appeared to be paralysed with—was it fear? Sirius was gripping the porch tightly and was having some sort of silent battle within himself. _

_Remus' mind and heart were whirling with a myriad of emotions that he could hardly think straight. Why hadn't Sirius gone down to make himself known to James and Lily? And more to the point, why hadn't James and Lily seen Sirius? Remus swallowed hard and tapped Sirius's shoulder but he did not respond. It was at this time that Remus' overwhelmed mind grasped that he must be a kind of invisible presence, similar to one in a Pensieve._

_Remus noticed Sirius inhale shakily and mutter to himself: "What will he say when he sees me? I have failed him twice…first getting him and Lils killed then leaving Harry all alone now, when he needs me the most…they won't want me here…"_

_Remus' heart seized up and he realised why Sirius hadn't gone down to meet James and Lily: because he was still fraught with his old insecurities and fears and was somehow barred from seeing his best friend until he accepted that he was not responsible and came to peace with himself. Remus did not know how he could make Sirius see sense…but he had to try, right?_

_Shaking himself with emotion, Remus grasped Sirius's shoulder tightly. Sirius startled and flicked at his shoulder, probably thinking that an insect had bitten him or something. _

_"Padfoot," Remus began urgently, "You probably can't hear me, but for Merlin's sake, please realise that you need to pull yourself together! Prongs and Lily are waiting for you. Don't ruin this chance for peace! Be the brave Gryffindor that you had once been and go down there with an open mind and joyous heart! They will greet you with love. You deserve happiness, Padfoot and I will not stand idly by and let you ruin your chance!"_

_Sirius bowed his head trembling for some minutes, making Remus tense and then raised his head again, breathing in deeply. He stepped off the porch and onto the grass while Remus watched him with great expectation, his own heart thudding erratically. _

_The haze that had covered James and Lily had faded away and the couple looked up at the newcomer. _

_"Prongs and Lils?" Sirius called out with some trepidation, his hands clasped together tightly in nervous anticipation and unbearable tension._

_Remus held his breath._

_Lily was the first one to leap up. Her face literally glowed and she let out a delighted squeal and threw her arms around Sirius, who was frozen at first then crushed his arms around her._

_"Oh Sirius, thank you for looking after Harry," Lily said in a tremulous voice. "You don't know what it meant to James and me."_

_"I failed you because—"_

_"I don't want to hear any of your rubbish," interrupted Lily fiercely, her green eyes glittering. "You did nothing of the sort! You have done what James and I have been unable to do!"_

_Sirius could not reply and buried his face in her shoulder, shaking, and Remus suspected, crying. Lily closed her eyes and stroked his hair, like a mother would do to her son. _

_"You have suffered enough, Sirius. Let it all go," Lily murmured into his ear and stepped back from Sirius. _

_A suspiciously wet-eyed Sirius then turned to face his best friend who was rooted to the spot, his mouth open and his hazel eyes watery with long hoarded emotion behind foggy glasses. The two men stood for a few moments, simply staring at each other, neither moving while Lily stood to the side, unable to stop tears of happiness slide down her cheeks. _

_James let out a choked sound and in a few seconds, embraced Sirius tightly as a strangled sob erupted from Sirius's throat. _

_"I'm so sorry and—"_

_"You have nothing to be sorry for, do you understand me?"_

_"But—"_

_"You need to be sorry for nothing. You are my brother and you have suffered and endured so much for our sakes…what happened to us was not your fault at all."_

_Sirius blinked. "Not my fault?" he asked hoarsely._

_"Not at all, Padfoot," replied James softly. "I know you would drag yourself to Hell and back before you would knowingly allow any harm befall me or my family."_

_An awed expression crossed Sirius's face. "You don't know how long I have waited to hear those words…I feared that you wouldn't..." his voice trailed off and he ducked his head, obviously trying to keep himself in check._

_"Forgive you?"_

_Sirius nodded mutely, unable to speak._

_"You are my brother. How many things have we gone through together? Do you think that I would drop you like a sack of unwanted belongings? You have not failed me or Lily…the only thing I want for you is for you to be at peace, Padfoot"_

_At James' words, a rapid transformation came over Sirius. He just seemed so…alive. Remus' gut was twisted with a mixed sensation of bittersweet happiness and grief as he saw Sirius grin broadly for the first time. _

_"Now don't get all big headed on us," quipped Lily through her tears. _

_"Wouldn't dream of it," replied Sirius dazedly. . _

_James slung his right arm around his best friend. "Now come inside you big prat!"_

_"Me, the prat?" Sirius asked with mock hurt as Remus smiled._

_"The both of you are prats," Lily said, her green eyes sparkling._

_"But I'm the loveable one," piped in James boisterously. _

_Lily rolled her eyes good-humouredly and leaned into her husband, who entwined his left hand with hers. _

_Sirius' face sobered again and he said: "You both know how much you mean to me, don't you?"_

_Lily kissed his cheek. "Of course we do."_

_"After what you have done for us, how could we think any different?" James said seriously, his eyes warm. _

_"Let's go inside" Lily volunteered. _

_The two men nodded and with James' arm still around Sirius' shoulders and his other hand in Lily's, the three headed back to the house. _

_Remus watched the three dearest people in the world to him pass him by, his heart aching. He longed to reach out and touch them, talk with them about old times and exchange teasing banter but he could not. They were dead, in a place where mortal cares did not weigh upon them nor time age and weary them. But as the three passed him, Remus swore that they smiled at him; Sirius with his charming smile that could charm both friend and foe alike; James with his raucous grin that filled the receiver with warmth and Lily with her glowing smile that made anyone feel as if everything was going to be fine. _

Remus drifted awake, realising he had dampened his pillow with tears but yet, he did not feel any overwhelming sorrow because he knew that Padfoot was _home_. Padfoot was with his brother and sister and freed from the mortal confines that tortured him. Though Remus still keenly felt the hole that Sirius had left in his life and was weighed down by worries of Harry and the threatening power of Voldemort, he knew that he could finally surrender Padfoot up with joy for he was in a much better place.

And for the first time, Remus looked up at the stars and smiled.

**A/N: Yay! This is the last chapter of this story and I hope you enjoyed it! Please review and tell me what you think :)**


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